The College Chronicles
by Miroku-san
Summary: [Volume 1: Girls Love to Fight] Tifa and Aeris get into a fight over Cloud and random stuff happens. Did I mention girls in short skirts? My first humor fic, read and enjoy.
1. The First Day

**The College Chronicles**

by Miroku-san

* * *

**VOLUME 1: _Girls Love to Fight_**

* * *

Chronicle I - **The First Day**  
Previously Titled: **My, My, What Short Skirts You Have!**

* * *

Cloud and Tifa walked beyond the steps of the prestigeous Midgar University. Cloud looked at Tifa. 

"So...can you tell me again why we're going to college in the first place?"

Tifa gave Cloud an evil glare.

"Well, unlike most us, I'm actually trying to get an education! I wanted you to come because I don't want a dumbass boyfriend too!"

Cloud stepped away from Tifa in fear.

"Okay..."

"One more thing! What the hell is up with this place? I have to wear a uniform plus this short skirt! A VERY short skirt! And we have 6 classes like high school. And we can't go for degrees yet until the next year!"

Cloud began walk behind Tifa and crouched to see her no-no zone. He began to drool. Then Tifa looked behind her.

"Cloud, what are you doing?"

She noticed a small puddle on the ground.

"EWWWWWWWWWWW! You perv!"

Tifa kicked Cloud in the face leaving a huge shoe mark.

"Owww..."

"Hmph! Serves you right."

Tifa then dragged Cloud by the ear for their first steps into college.

* * *

Cloud and Tifa walked along the halls before the bell rang. Then a young girl ran past them like a flash and hit Cloud and fell to the ground. Cloud heard a very familiar voice indeed. 

"Watch it you spiky headed jerk!"

Tifa was shocked.

"YUFFIE? What the hell are you doing here? You're sixteen! You don't belong in college! And why are you wearing glasses?"

Yuffie got up from her fall with a weird smile plastered on her face.

"Hehehe...guess you found me out. Anyway how are ya guys doin'?"

"Just fine," Tifa replied.

Yuffie then huddled Cloud and Tifa to a nearby corner.

"Shhhhh! I'm trying to keep a low profile. I don't want my cover blown."

Yuffie then points to her glasses and grins.

"Got material to steal from the faculty."

Tifa wasn't excited nor impressed with Yuffie's intentions.

"Let's go Cloud."

"WAAAAAIIIIITTTT," hollered Yuffie. "I wanna check your schedules."

Cloud and Tifa handed their schedules over to Yuffie.

"Isn't it weird Yuffie? It feels like high school."

"I don't really care; I never went to high school. Wow, Cloud! We have the same classes together. Tifa has three classes with Cloud and I. Your first class is literature. Walk with me Cloud! And Tifa has math..."

Tifa stood there a little saddened because she wasn't going to share her first class of college with Cloud.

"Oh...I'll see you guys later. You have my permission Yuffie."

Yuffie jumped around like a moron and then did her victory pose.

"YES! Let's go Cloud!"

Cloud and Yuffie walked into the classroom. They received another surprise and their jaws dropped.

"CAIT SITH! You're our teacher?"

Cait Sith turned around in surprise.

"Oh...hi Cloud, hi Yuffie. I'm broke so it's my last resort. Just go sit down. We'll talk later."

Cloud and Yuffie sat apart from each other in the random seats. Cloud sat patiently at his seat.

"Hi Cloud."

Cloud turned around. He froze and cringed his teeth as he turned around. It was Aeris. She was wearing a uniform as well and her legs were crossed. Cloud could almost see her no-no zone.

"Wow, what a meeting! Seeing you here in this strange college. Did you know that literature is my favorite class?"

Aeris then smacked her ass and winked. Cloud gulped in piercing fear.

"Oh God help me..." he thought.


	2. Don't You Wanna Get Frisky?

Chronicle II - **Don't You Wanna Get Frisky?**

* * *

When the bells rang Cloud turned around trying every possible way to avoid Aeris. Aeris fortunately stopped her constant flirting and class went by as usual. Cloud sat in his seat for about an hour taking notes until he received a note from Aeris. It said: 

_I'm coming to your room tonight baby.  
I know you want to get frisky with me.  
You know you want it pimp daddy!_

_Love, Aeris_

Cloud put down the note in disgust.

"EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! That is so gross!"

All the students stared at Cloud then Cait Sith focused his attention too.

"Is there something wrong Mr. Strife?"

Aeris giggled.

"MR. STRIFE! HAHAHAHAHAHA! That sounds so romantic!"

Then all the students focused their eyes on Aeris and she didn't speak anymore. Cait Sith continued writing on the chalk board.

"Blah, blah, blah. I'm a stupid cat thing with a zipper," was all Aeris could hear.

She was too focused on Cloud. The bell finally rang. Cloud sighed in relief. Yuffie stretched from her seat and saw Aeris.

"OH MY GAWD! AERIS? What are you doing here!"

"I'm trying to get an education. I want to learn more about the world! I want to become a great college student!" she replied.

Yuffie didn't care about Aeris. After her little speech, Aeris walked behind Cloud and gave him a little squeeze.

"Remember tonight. I'm coming! See ya later baby."

She then walked off in a very foxy motion. Yuffie looked at Cloud and he look petrified.

"Heeellllooo! Cloud?"

Cloud came out of his trance.

"I gotta go..." he said.

Cloud began to run, REALLY fast. Yuffie yelled back to Cloud in amazement.

"HEY! Aren't ya gonna walk with me to my next class? What about Tifa? Shouldn't you tell her about Aeris?"

Cloud continued to run.

* * *

It was around 8 P.M. and everyone in the dorms was sound asleep. Cloud was watching TV. A really retarded movie commercial was playing. 

"_The sequel to the scariest movie from Japan! The Ring 1 and 1/2. From Disney Pictures."_

"Man, Disney needs to stop making sequels to movies. It's SO gay."

All of a sudden, Cloud heard a knock on his door.

"Damn...I hope it's not Aeris..."

Cloud opened the door and there was Aeris. She was wearing silk white dress without a bra.

"Hey baby! Ready to frisk!"

Cloud gulped again in fear.

"I spoke too soon," he thought. "Why did Barret use that Phoenix Down?"


	3. Love is a Battlefield

Chronicle III** - Love is a Battlefield**

* * *

Aeris closed the door behind her and slowly walked towards Cloud, her hips swiveling round and round. Cloud became hypnotizedand started to go into a trance. 

"Wow, that girl sure can move," he thought. "Oh crap! I forgot about Tifa."

But it was too late. Before he knew it he was already on the bed. Aeris was on top of him with a huge grin on her face.

"Now I can make you mine!"

Cloud wanted to push Aeris back, but he was already pulled into Aeris's slutty antics. "I mean, NOBODY could resist me," he thought. He gave a little laugh.

"What so funny?" she asked.

He was still laughing and Aeris was looking at him oddly. After seeing her face, he stopped, now he was embarrassed.

"Well, shall we continue?" she asked.

What harm could be done? It's not like Tifa would find out. It's only a booty call right? A million thoughts flooded his mind. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door...

Aeris quickly turned around.

"Who is it, Cloud?"

"I don't know!"

There was another knock...and then a voice was heard.

"Hello? Cloud? Are you there? Yuffie said you dropped one of your textbooks so I'm returning it. Hellllooo?"

"HOLY CRAP! It's Tifa!" Cloud whispered. He didn't want to start commotion.

Aeris bit her lip in frustration.

"This could be a problem...and I was so damn close!"

A third knock was heard.

"Cloud! Open the door!"

"Aeris, did you lock the door?"

She froze for a second. Of course she didn't lock the door, she was too busy pimping Cloud.

"Uhhh...yes?"

Cloud smacked his forehead. He was so dead.

"Hey! The door is open! I'm coming in Cloud."

The door slowly opened, theslow creaking pierced Cloud's ears.

"HOLY SHIT! What the hell's going on here?"

Tifa saw Aeris on all fours on top of Cloud on the bed. Aeris was holding a portable video camera on her right hand. They both had blank stares in their faces. Cloud was sweating like a pig.

"It's not what it looks like Tifa! I swear!"

Tifa's left hand was shaking and then it became a fist of rage. She then pointed her finger at Aeris.

"This is all your doing, you SLUT! You stole my man, you BIG FAT WHORE."

Aeris became really pissed. Nobody ever called her a slut or a whore before.

"BITCH! He's my man!"

Aeris walked up to Tifa and slapped her. There was a huge, red handprint mark on her face. She quickly covered her face.

"You're going to regret that..."

Aeris began an evil giggling fit.

"Ha! You're just jealous now that Cloud is MY man."

In an inferno of anger, Tifa shoved Aeris into the wall.

"You and me, at the football field, tomorrow. We'll see who gets Cloud."

Cloud tried to reason with them.

"Ladies please, there's no need to fight."

Tifa and Aeris both stared at Cloud with an evil glare.

"SHUT UP CLOUD! YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!"

"Okay..."

Aeris then agreed with Tifa's proposition.

"OH, IT'S ON LIKE DONKEY KONG BITCH! Whoever wins gets Cloud...FOREVER!"

Cloud gulped in fear. Forever?

"Yeah," Tifa replied. "I'm gonna kick your ass so hard your Ancient mama is gonna feel it."

"WHATEVER! Not until I shove my rod up _your _fat ass."

"I do NOT have a fat ass, super skank."

The two ladies both left Cloud's dorm in burning anger but also in fighting spirit.

"See ya tomorrow bitch!" they both exclaimed.

But before they left the room they both waved at Cloud and their voices became instantly cheery.

"Bye Cloud! I love you!"

Then they stared at each other, with eyes burning full of hatred.

"HMPH!"

They stormed through the halls in opposite directions. Aeris walked to the left.

"I'm gonna whoop her ass!"

And Tifa walked to the right.

"I'm gonna fuck her up!"

Cloud sat speechless in his dorm. What just happened?

"THIS IS SO AWESOME! Two chicks are fighting over ME!"


	4. Cat Fight! PART 1

Chronicle IV - **Cat Fight! (Part 1)**

* * *

Tifa was in her room dressing into her white tank-top and her black mini-skirt. She also put on her favorite brass knuckles with a grin. 

"Just you wait Aeris!"

Tifa already set a time for the fight. It was scheduled to be an hour before the first bell. The rules were already set too. Materia was allowed so Tifa equipped her strongest materia.

"Heh heh! Aeris is gonna get it!"

* * *

Aeris was doing the same thing in her room. She took out her shiny sliver rod out of the closet. In a fit of rage she impaled her rod through a wall. She also equipped her strongest materia as well. Also, the two ladies told a bunch of guys to cheer for them during the fight. It was time. They both headed for the football field.

* * *

A large group of guys were at the football field awaiting Tifa and Aeris. They were holding picket signs with pictures of them. Both of the crowds cheered out their names. 

"AERIS! THE SUPER SKANK SHALL PREVAIL!"

"TIFA! THE CHICK WITH BIG HOOTERS WILL ROCK!"

Aeris and Tifa arrived from opposite sides of the football field. They listened in as the crowds shouted out their names.

"I am NOT a super skank, mega skank fits me better."

"Big hooters? Why can't they say 'boobs'? It fits me better."

The crowd went wild. When the two ladies faced each other they both gave a glare of death.

"Ready to die?"

Cloud suddenly ran between them, heavily panting.

"WAIT! Please don't fight you two!"

Then Aeris and Tifa gave the look of death to Cloud.

"We told you to stay out of this!"

They both kicked Cloud and he flew into a nearby mud puddle.

Tifa said, "Remember the rules! Materia and limits are allowed."

Aeris nodded.

"Yeah, I know! Let's get it on!"

Tifa put up her fists and Aeris was in her fighting stance with her rod. Aeris made the first move.

"Let's see if you can actually hurt me! GREAT GOSPEL!"

A bright light began to overflow into Aeris and she began to glow yellow.

"Oh crap!"

Tifa couldn't do anything so she used her Barrier materia.

"Wall!"

A glimmering wall of light surrounded Tifa. After that, huge balls of fire began to form around Aeris.

"Fire 3!" she exclaimed.

Tifa evaded every one of them.

"Too slow! Your magic spells suck ass!"

Tifa's remark pissed Aeris off. She began to cast another spell and huge icicles began to crystallize in front of her.

"Ice 3!"

Tifa easily dodged all the incoming icicles with a quick dodge roll.

"Come on bitch! Fight like a woman!"

Tifa swiftly ran towards Aeris knowing that her Great Gospel would fade and she kicked her square in the face.

"HIYA! Take that!"

Aeris lied on the ground with a bloody nose. She quickly rose to her feet. Tifa looked at her in amazement.

"How could you get a bloody nose and still be standing? CRAP! That whatchamacalit is still in effect..."

"MWUAHAHAHAHA! Stupid ass! Now you're gonna die and Cloud will be mine forever!"

Aeris took out a shiny green materia and held it in her hands.

"ULTIMA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Say good-bye! Hell awaits!"

A huge dome of shining green light began to form around her. Tifa stood in impending fear.

"Oh shit...how come she had to be good at casting spells? God damn those game programmers!"

What could Tifa do? The green light of doom was slowly creeping towards her. There was nothing to do but wait...

* * *

If you want to know what happens...read Part 2 you bum! 


	5. Cat Fight! PART 2

Chronicle V - **Cat Fight! (Part 2)**

* * *

Tifa braced herself and closed her eyes. 

"Damn! How am I gonna get outta this one?"

Aeris was laughing evilly as the Ultima spell drew closer to Tifa.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE!"

Tifa couldn't think of anything to evade the spell, it was already so close. She could only do one thing.

"EKKKKKKKKKKKKK! MOMMY! I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE GOD DAMMIT!"

Suddenly, the emerald light split in half and faded into the air as a cloud of dust. Tifa's eyes were still closed and she was still screaming bloody murder.

"OH MY GOD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...huh? I'm not dead? WHOO-HOO!"

Aeris was stunned. Somebody destroyed her spell and all that was left was a cloud of dust.

"WHAT THE HELL? What happened to Ultima?"

After the dust settled and everything was visible again, long, flowing silver hair could seen in the wind in front of Tifa. Aeris screamed in horror at the person who has standing in front of Tifa.

"EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK! You're supposed to be dead!"

Tifa opened her eyes to see a very familiar figure in front ofher.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD! SEPHIROTH? What are you doing here?"

Sephiroth didn't answer. He slowly began to walk towards Aeris, and Tifa began to follow him. Aeris began to beg for mercy when she saw a cold stare in his eyes.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Please don't stab me liked you did last time! Please spare me!

Then she remembered something.

"Oh wait! I have Holy! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Don't come any closer or I'll use it on your non-Ancient ass!"

Sephiroth was holding his sword, the Masamune. Aeris was even more frightened.

"NOOOOOO! You have that sword! Get it away from me! Would you like a Holy spell up your ass, bitch? Don't come any closer!"

Sephiroth continued on. He could see the fear in Aeris, it was amusing, he thought. Tifa then noticed that Aeris wasn't glowing yellow anymore.

Sephiroth turned to Tifa and whispered, "Now's your chance. Kill her ass!"

Tifa blushed.

"Oh, I'm not gonna kill her. I'm just gonna humiliate her in front of all these people and the whole university. I'll just give her a nice good whoppin'."

Sephiroth nodded and flew away. Cloud finally awoke after being knocked out in the mud. He saw Sephiroth as he flew away and began to chase after him.

"HEY! Come back here you little wuss! I still wanna beat the living shit outta you!"

Sephiroth looked back to see Cloud jumping around, his clothes covered in mud. He grinned.

"Whatever...here's a present for you."

Cloud's eyes opened up in delight at the thought of a present.

"REALLY? A present for me! Gimme, gimme, GIMME!"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes at Cloud's immaturity.

"Oh shut the hell up you little pansy!"

He threw a green orb at Cloud and it hit his spiky head with a thump.

"OWWW!"

Cloud picked it up and noticed a timer on it, with glowing red numbers.

"Hey! This isn't materia...OH CRAP!"

Before he could react, the timer hit '00:00'.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

_KABOOM!_

"Owww...I NEED A FUCKING POTION! MEDIC!"

* * *

Tifa saw her chance, she rushed towards Aeris with a raging fist. 

"HIYA! Eat my first skank!"

Tifa socked Aeris right in the nose and she fell into the fresh mud, littered with dog droppings.

"How dare you! There's mud and dog crap all over my pink dress!"

Tifa then slammed her face into the mud. Aeris's face was dark brown and she began to cry. Tifa smiled as she began to bawl.

"Serves you right for trying to take my man! I won't kill you this time! But if I see your skanky ass with Cloud one more time, you'll see a Final Heaven in your future!"

Aeris held her head down in shame.

"I'm sorry Tifa...I should have had sex with Red XIII."

"RED XIII? EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!"

Tifa ran away in disgust and said, "You sick little bitch!"

Aeris stood up from the mud with a grin on her face.

"Heh heh. Works like a charm! Come on Cloud! I wanna frisk!"

Cloud ran away as well, he was following Tifa.

"Sorry Aeris! Got plans with Tifa! But don't worry! We'll kill you later! I'm gonna hire Sephirtoth _again_!"

Aeris was shocked at Cloud's remark.

"AGAIN? What do you mean by that? HMPH! Good for nothing scrub!"

Aeris walked back to her dorm to change singing "I'm Too Sexy for My Materia" while Tifa was running back to her dorm with a bunch of guys and Cloud follwing her.

"Oh...Cloud wouldn't mind! Tee-hee! Come on boys! Party at my room! Whoo-hoo!"

* * *

_Meanwhile...with Sephiroth._

Sephiroth was still flying around as he left the university, entering Sector 7.

"Flying is cool! Ha ha!"

A random man walking towards the Seventh Heaven bar saw Sephiroth flying by and said, "HEY LOOK! IT'S A FLYING CRACKWHORE!"

Sephiroth looked at the man in anger.

"Who are you calling a crackwhore, buddy?"

Before he could turn around, he suddenly hit a light post. A loud clang was heard around the sector.

"Owww...who put this light post here? DAMN YOU GAME PROGRAMMERS!"

* * *

**END OF VOLUME 1**


End file.
